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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Unsettling

I have had many thoughts lately. Many thoughts that have found their way to my computer, but not yet to my blog. I've been thinking about friendships. And how I'm both really good and really bad at being a friend. I've been thinking about babies. And how I'm ready, but terrified. I've been thinking about what I want for Christmas, since I've been repeatedly asked for my wish list from my in-laws, and I feel weird making a list for them of things I want. But I'll do it because I need this book. I've been thinking about several ideas for a paper I need to write in the next week, but you don't want me to blog about those thoughts. Trust me.

I just had one of those lovely Sundays that usually elude me. It seems like I always get to the end of my weekend and feel disappointed that I didn't use my time better. However, after a very hectic week, I decided to let myself relax. So, today, after making waffles for Mikael and seeing him off to work, I took time to stare out the window and daydream, transplanted my houseplants, made a new succulent garden (in a sad attempt to keep the spirit of California alive in our home), and made cookies to send my sister (since she won't be coming home for Thanksgiving). It seems I had forgotten what excellent company I am.

This evening I've been enjoying the couch in my pajamas and picking and choosing songs to play as loudly as I please, fighting the urge to lie down on the floor and have a good cry. I know. This sounds troubling, but I'm a melancholic soul, so sometimes, I just feel like I need to revert back to my melodramatic teenage self and play my favorite song on repeat until the tears come. But, here's the catch - I have nothing to cry about (other than that stack of ungraded papers). And, tonight, I found this both comforting and unsettling. It's like I don't know how to cope unless I'm coping.

So, how long does it take to get used to happy?


2 comments:

Jenn Stewart said...

I don't know...I think, for the most part, I have a pretty damn happy life. But I feel what you're describing often. I associate it with my ambition...having such ambition and drive makes it difficult to pause and appreciate and enjoy.

So, I have to make a conscientious effort to pause and enjoy. I'd hoped that perhaps I'd start to do it more often and unconsciously. That hasn't happened yet. I'll keep you posted.

I think you and I are similar in this respect--we function best when under the gun. If there's no gun, we flail about, right? Stupid gun.

c. elle said...

To answer your question: It takes as long as it took you to get..to happy.

How's that for deep and philosophical?

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