Unsettling

I have had many thoughts lately. Many thoughts that have found their way to my computer, but not yet to my blog. I've been thinking about friendships. And how I'm both really good and really bad at being a friend. I've been thinking about babies. And how I'm ready, but terrified. I've been thinking about what I want for Christmas, since I've been repeatedly asked for my wish list from my in-laws, and I feel weird making a list for them of things I want. But I'll do it because I need this book. I've been thinking about several ideas for a paper I need to write in the next week, but you don't want me to blog about those thoughts. Trust me.

I just had one of those lovely Sundays that usually elude me. It seems like I always get to the end of my weekend and feel disappointed that I didn't use my time better. However, after a very hectic week, I decided to let myself relax. So, today, after making waffles for Mikael and seeing him off to work, I took time to stare out the window and daydream, transplanted my houseplants, made a new succulent garden (in a sad attempt to keep the spirit of California alive in our home), and made cookies to send my sister (since she won't be coming home for Thanksgiving). It seems I had forgotten what excellent company I am.

This evening I've been enjoying the couch in my pajamas and picking and choosing songs to play as loudly as I please, fighting the urge to lie down on the floor and have a good cry. I know. This sounds troubling, but I'm a melancholic soul, so sometimes, I just feel like I need to revert back to my melodramatic teenage self and play my favorite song on repeat until the tears come. But, here's the catch - I have nothing to cry about (other than that stack of ungraded papers). And, tonight, I found this both comforting and unsettling. It's like I don't know how to cope unless I'm coping.

So, how long does it take to get used to happy?

Making Plans

Mikael has been working full-time for about a month now. Unfortunately, the only job he could find was one he didn't want (supervising juvenile "delinquents") and one that requires he work an eight-hour evening shift. Considering neither one of us has had health or dental benefits for over a year, he took it anyway. This means that several days a week, we only see each other for a couple hours in the morning and maybe an hour or so (before I pass out) at night.

Initially, I thought this would be okay, or maybe even good. Not having him around in the evenings (at least those that I don't have a evening class on) would help me focus on my ever-expanding to-do list. And this has been the case (except when there's good TV on). What I didn't foresee is it putting us in a bit of a rut. We've started spending our mornings catching up on sleep instead of catching up with each other, or eating a late breakfast while watching Price is Right, which means our conversation revolves around guessing prices and making fun of Drew Carey's bow ties. So, this morning, I woke up a bit earlier than usual, got myself dressed and even curled my hair. I then woke Mikael up and told him we were going to IHOP, something he loves to do but doesn't get to do too often since he's married to a vegan(ish).

While we were beginning our meal, a family came in and sat in a nearby booth with their three little girls (I'd guess 5, 3 and a year old). As they walked by, I said, "So that's pretty much your worst nightmare." And, he laughed and said yeah, and then did an impression of our future daughter saying, "Look Daddy. Look how slutty I am," because he has this horrible idea stuck in his head that all teenage girls will be a father's worst nightmare and sluts - big big sluts. I'm sure that he will be fine with whatever we end up having in the end, and I'm sure if we do have girls, he will be a huge pile of mush. After we talked about this a bit, somehow the conversation evolved into how we hope to raise our kids. We talked about education (private vs. public, christian vs. adventist), discipline, how to motivate them, and so on. These are things that we might have talked about once in a while in the past, but this time it was real. These were real plans, real strategies we were making together.

After finishing our meal, we headed to Lowe's and bought a few perennials to round out the garden before the snow falls and then mapped out where to put them before he had to go to work. And, as he kissed me goodbye, he even complemented me on my hair.

A Long Fall

I am completely brain dead tonight. After conferencing with students and attending two classes with my crappy drafts, I have no energy left for a witty post. So, I give you a few choice photos Mikael took the last time we were at my parents' house. This is the house I grew up in, and I hope it never changes.

Like a Beaver or a Bee

Yeah, so I've been busy. I can't believe it's been so long since I started this little blog - with such good intentions. So, a lot has happened, and I can't possibly summarize all of it in a few neat paragraphs - so, bullet points will have to do.

• The last couple weeks planning the wedding went fairly well. I now consider myself an expert at DIY wedding stuff. I made (with some help) all the floral arrangements, and I mean ALL of them, tissue paper flowers to hang in the reception tent, my birdcage veil and we used iTunes for our music, made our own playlist, my dad made an ice cream "cart" for the reception, the list goes on and on. It was probably a bit more stressful this way, but we got endless compliments on all the details, so, to me, it paid off.

• Okay, I'm biased, but I have to say our wedding was the most beautiful and personal wedding I've ever been to. Everything went so well; it was a beautiful day. Perfect. Out of everything, I definitely got the most compliments on our vows. We each wrote our own, and they turned out to say exactly what we both wanted to say and what we both needed to hear as we began our marriage. I had more than one of our male guests come up to me afterward and tell me he cried.

• Marriage is awesome. No big surprises. He's just with me all the time, which can be annoying when he chooses to watch Bonanza at 3:00 pm, and I need to read for class, but if that's my biggest problem, then I guess I'm pretty lucky. (Also, Bonanza? WTF?)

• I have started a new school year and was given two weeks to pull myself together to teach freshman comp. I got a teaching spot at the last minute, which is really good for me (and my bank account), but it was a bit stressful. The good news for those who care to read this blog is I tend to blog more as a means to procrastinate, and nothing makes me procrastinate more than a pile of essays waiting to be graded.

There, now you're caught up. I haven't had any major wiferly epiphanies yet. The closest I've

come is realizing that I feel like I need to feed him. And, really, I don't want to be that traditional about this whole thing (and I know he doesn't care one way or the other), but I find myself taking it personally when he remarks on how he needs to gain weight and needs to eat more. There's also the fact that, when I do cook for us, it's healthy and vegan, so his chances of putting on weight are pretty slim. So, I'm trying to let go of this apparent social brainwashing I've received over the years that makes me think it's my duty to feed my husband.

Also, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis with my name, but maybe that's a saga for another time. As in, I still haven't officially made any changes to it, and now I'm wondering if I want to at all.

Back for Good

Hello, friends,

So sorry for the lengthy absence. But here are all my excuses, and they're actually good ones this time:

• I finished the hardest semester of my life. It was bad. Really bad. But now I am officially a second year doctoral student. It's nice to not be a newbie anymore.
• Mikael finally proposed on April 18. It was wonderful, and not really a surprise at all, but it was perfect for us. The photo above was taken a few minutes after. Which means...
• I've been wedding planning. We're planning a July 25th wedding. We figure, we've been together for eight years, who needs a long engagement?
• I'm taking a summer class. It's easy, but has occupied my evenings.
• However, I have been sewing, and I will have new items in my Etsy shop next weekend. My shop is in sad shape right now, but it's about to expand!

So there's your update. I shall return next week with actual quality posts.

Hello?

Sorry for the long absence, but it's not over yet. I still have the weekend before I return to my own home, where high speed Internet abounds. I'm just checking in to say hello.

I hope the New Year is going well for all of you. So far so good here, but then again, I haven't started classes yet.

The lovely shot on the left is from Mikael's latest project. He's taking photos of all his friends and family in this ridiculous hat. I've assisted him some, and it's been amazing to see each person's personality come out as they get used to wearing the doofy hat. This is one of many of me; I'm the test subject as he gets the lights ready.

Check back next week. Things will be back to normal around Tuesday.