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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Unsettling

I have had many thoughts lately. Many thoughts that have found their way to my computer, but not yet to my blog. I've been thinking about friendships. And how I'm both really good and really bad at being a friend. I've been thinking about babies. And how I'm ready, but terrified. I've been thinking about what I want for Christmas, since I've been repeatedly asked for my wish list from my in-laws, and I feel weird making a list for them of things I want. But I'll do it because I need this book. I've been thinking about several ideas for a paper I need to write in the next week, but you don't want me to blog about those thoughts. Trust me.

I just had one of those lovely Sundays that usually elude me. It seems like I always get to the end of my weekend and feel disappointed that I didn't use my time better. However, after a very hectic week, I decided to let myself relax. So, today, after making waffles for Mikael and seeing him off to work, I took time to stare out the window and daydream, transplanted my houseplants, made a new succulent garden (in a sad attempt to keep the spirit of California alive in our home), and made cookies to send my sister (since she won't be coming home for Thanksgiving). It seems I had forgotten what excellent company I am.

This evening I've been enjoying the couch in my pajamas and picking and choosing songs to play as loudly as I please, fighting the urge to lie down on the floor and have a good cry. I know. This sounds troubling, but I'm a melancholic soul, so sometimes, I just feel like I need to revert back to my melodramatic teenage self and play my favorite song on repeat until the tears come. But, here's the catch - I have nothing to cry about (other than that stack of ungraded papers). And, tonight, I found this both comforting and unsettling. It's like I don't know how to cope unless I'm coping.

So, how long does it take to get used to happy?


Friday, November 12, 2010

my week in objects

One of my favorite bloggers often posts photos of several things that made her week. I always find these posts charming, so I thought I'd give it a try. If you'd like to see where I got this idea from, please visit Reading my Tea Leaves.

I give you, five things that made my week.

1. These fall leaves
*because I collected them as I walked home from campus every day this week. Now they are piled on the dining room table, reminding me of childhood collections of rocks and pressed flowers.

2. The sun!
* because I got to wear two of my favorite skirts again before the cold weather. And because fall leaves are even prettier when the sun shines through them.

3. This plant
* because I bought it for myself at Trader Joe's last Sunday, and I've enjoyed watching bloom all week, turning into this:

4. This purply/grey nail polish
*because it was a new color for me. And, since I spend most of my time with my computer, it's nice to look down at my hands and see something colorful and pretty.

5. This sheet of paper
* because it is my program of study form, and it says I only have four required classes left to take before my comps.



Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Making Plans

Mikael has been working full-time for about a month now. Unfortunately, the only job he could find was one he didn't want (supervising juvenile "delinquents") and one that requires he work an eight-hour evening shift. Considering neither one of us has had health or dental benefits for over a year, he took it anyway. This means that several days a week, we only see each other for a couple hours in the morning and maybe an hour or so (before I pass out) at night.

Initially, I thought this would be okay, or maybe even good. Not having him around in the evenings (at least those that I don't have a evening class on) would help me focus on my ever-expanding to-do list. And this has been the case (except when there's good TV on). What I didn't foresee is it putting us in a bit of a rut. We've started spending our mornings catching up on sleep instead of catching up with each other, or eating a late breakfast while watching Price is Right, which means our conversation revolves around guessing prices and making fun of Drew Carey's bow ties. So, this morning, I woke up a bit earlier than usual, got myself dressed and even curled my hair. I then woke Mikael up and told him we were going to IHOP, something he loves to do but doesn't get to do too often since he's married to a vegan(ish).

While we were beginning our meal, a family came in and sat in a nearby booth with their three little girls (I'd guess 5, 3 and a year old). As they walked by, I said, "So that's pretty much your worst nightmare." And, he laughed and said yeah, and then did an impression of our future daughter saying, "Look Daddy. Look how slutty I am," because he has this horrible idea stuck in his head that all teenage girls will be a father's worst nightmare and sluts - big big sluts. I'm sure that he will be fine with whatever we end up having in the end, and I'm sure if we do have girls, he will be a huge pile of mush. After we talked about this a bit, somehow the conversation evolved into how we hope to raise our kids. We talked about education (private vs. public, christian vs. adventist), discipline, how to motivate them, and so on. These are things that we might have talked about once in a while in the past, but this time it was real. These were real plans, real strategies we were making together.

After finishing our meal, we headed to Lowe's and bought a few perennials to round out the garden before the snow falls and then mapped out where to put them before he had to go to work. And, as he kissed me goodbye, he even complemented me on my hair.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

A Long Fall

I am completely brain dead tonight. After conferencing with students and attending two classes with my crappy drafts, I have no energy left for a witty post. So, I give you a few choice photos Mikael took the last time we were at my parents' house. This is the house I grew up in, and I hope it never changes.









Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Smelling the Roses, if I could

Tonight I am working on two huge projects. Okay, not huge, but two papers that are due tomorrow. Luckily, both of them only need to be in "draft" form. However, I am now very concerned about how my concept of what constitutes a draft may differ from that of my teacher and/or fellow graduate students. I'm tired of those pesky Master's students making me look like a slacker. My only excuse is, I'm teaching! It's so time consuming! When, really, I just watched a lot of Parks and Recreation episodes this weekend instead of writing these papers.

Anyway, this is rambly, but I've been writing for the last five hours straight. So, the point of my post is that (1) I am a horrible doctoral student. And, (2) I am sick again. AND, I'm holding one-on-one conferences with half of my students tomorrow. I feel like that's kind of mean - to get them sick, and then dock their grades for being absent. Hmmm...

(3)In other news, this evening, as I was pounding away at my computer, at about 6:45 my whole study lit up. A bright light was hitting my drawn shades and making my study glow, so I glanced out between the blinds and saw that the sun was starting to set and was making one last ditch effort to show off. Now, on any other day (when I don't have tons of work to do) I would've just sat back down at the computer and proceeded to surf the Internet for new videos of dogs swimming with dolphins (!!!!!!!!!), but tonight I decided to go outside and investigate the glowy sun. It was gorgeous, and I took a crappy photo with my phone.

Today's lesson: If I could get a PhD in procrastination, I would have my diploma by now.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Peter Pan Envy

I just had one of those really surreal moments where you almost feel like you're high. Like when you really think about your name, and you say it over and over until it loses all of its meaning, and then your whole sense of identity shifts because your name is meaningless. Please, someone tell me you know what I'm talking about.

Well, I just had one of those moments, and it was brought on by one of the most mundane things. I was putting away a bunch of spices I had left out on the counter last night. I made this soup, and it was a-maz-ing. So, I was putting away the cumin and paprika when all of a sudden I stopped and thought, "This can't be my spice rack. There are way too many spices in here. This looks like my mom's cupboard." And, then it dawned on me - I'm a grown up. I make meals on a regular basis. I go grocery shopping and pay all my own bills. I bought these spices with my own money. And, holy crap, I even know what kinds of recipes cream of tartar and cumin are used in.

I'm not sure why this is significant. And, maybe I'm just writing about it because I have to write something, but these little oh-crap-I'm-a-grown-up moments have been happening a lot lately. And, when they do, I get all weirded out and start to really think about why I am where I am. All those years I blamed not getting married on Mikael, but maybe I didn't want to get married either... or, I could be making big money if I'd stuck with that marketing department in L.A., but apparently I'd rather suffer through reading esoteric rhetorical theory and writing research proposals than actually commit to a commute and a 401K.

Hmmm . . .

Monday, November 1, 2010

NaBloPoMo or I am feeling ambitious

Right now, this sad little blog has five posts on it. Five. That's just not good. I meant for this space to be a place where I could document these early months of my marriage, lament about the rigors of grad school, and try to keep a record of life in the middle of nowhere Indiana, which I have been told I will feel nostalgic for after we leave. Ha!

So, I'm going to try to participate in NaBloPoMo this year. Here I am, just a few minutes shy of being too late, but I'm here, and that's the point.

This could be really good or really bad. We'll see.
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